I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
