You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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