im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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