You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
