i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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