its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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