You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
