did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
