I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
