my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am one with the molecules
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
