I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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