Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
