remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
this just has baby written all over it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
