Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
