dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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