I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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