I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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