Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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