i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
