i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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