the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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