Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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