Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
