I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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