So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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