tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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