I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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