Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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