I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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