I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
