why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
