i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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