the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
