please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
