My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
