I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
