Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
