you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
