I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
