dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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