my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
