roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
