Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
