I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
