Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
