we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
