Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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