it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
