Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
