That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
