is your mom at the bar?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Never underestimate the power of titties
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