There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
