I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
