There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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