We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
