I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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