New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
