No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
