im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
